Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You may now shotgun with the bride
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
