My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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