I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Drunk is not a location!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?