definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
