I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
