hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
