just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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