I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
