Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
