This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
