The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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