White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
