You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
