I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
