well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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