Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize