I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
