I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
