Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We need to get me chipped asap
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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