Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
