it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i came on her dog
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
