I am midnight drunk by noon
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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