Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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