some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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