He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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