The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
