Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
