i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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