I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
