Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
COCAINE IS GR8
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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