My liver just broke up with me...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
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I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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