Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
