I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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