I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
