I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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