he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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