I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
