you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
