So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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