I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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