he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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