I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
