i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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