Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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