4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
