his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
