I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The power of my boobs compel you
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
