I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
