My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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