This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
