took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
