I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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