I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
