I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
