Who did Billy Mays play for?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
