I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
