I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
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But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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