I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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