ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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