my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
